To switch off the mind and all it’s burrowing catacombs is probably the greatest gift I could imagine something to bestow upon me. Sometimes I wonder and berate myself over feelings of intense thought trains, feeling as though I’m in uncharted waters in the recesses of my own mind. Navigation through my thoughts and feelings is a thing of dreams and my waking hours a slave to worry.
I’ve for sure had periods of my life where it is not an obstacle at all but I’m not sure if its 2020’s glorious way to bestow sorrow upon the world in every way it can or just the period of my life I’m at. I’ve reached an age that almost seems as though I should be doing more, I should have done more. I’ve been told by someone that these sort of expectations of the self come from my time in education and devotion to a system that makes promises it cannot fulfil. To which I’d completely agree and yes I’d further add that putting false expectations of where you should be, when you should be and how you should be does nothing but furthering your misery. There’s no set path, no set time frame and no set way on how a “normal” person is.
“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting, and modern”
I thought maybe I’m depressed and don’t get wrong there is a lot going on in life and my personal life to give me cause to be. But does a depressed person really even need to ask the question? Regardless there’s a lot for me to be happy about but naturally, the human thing to do is to give more Creedence to the problems in your life and things that don’t go your way. It’s “normal”. I wonder if it’s my current lack of distraction which causes my mind to obsess over issues, worries and the solutions to those things. I could almost cry out to the void for a magic wand to waved, happiness is there. It’s like I’m looking through the glass at the happiness I should be having, how my life should be right now, scratching at it but I cannot get in. “It shouldn’t be like this” is what I hear going through my head but that alone is furthering the burrowing of my mind, as it works overtime to find the surface.
I’m getting out some thoughts and feelings here but in response to these, I’m trying to take up meditation. It’s strange as someone who for so much of my life has denied any sort of spiritual/cosmic influence and accepted the world for its dismal darkness that now in early adulthood I accept my dumbfoundedness in the face of the human spirit/consciousness and the universe we live in. Does that mean I’ve changed my convictions, not really but I’m more open to a new way of thinking now than I have ever been previously in my life. Perhaps its something to do with growing up and facing life in the face like a deer in headlights. Maybe meditation is the key to a peaceful mind and living on the surface of your being or maybe it’s just a way to ignore the darkness underground where the monsters live.
It’s been hard to find time to meditate and even harder to feel like I’m unlocking anything but I’m trying and at present I think that’s all that matters, whatever will be will be is a mantra I find myself coming back to. I’m taking my hands off the wheel and trying to accept whatever happens happens. My life will go on and this is a small pocket of it, it’s not my entire life, it feels like a long time now but things will pass and everything will return to colour soon enough.