“It’s been a while….I’m back…hopefully gonna get back to writing more…blah blah blah blah blah” You’ve seen me type it far too often, lets be honest. But unlike before, this time was not really down to laziness but ya know what, lets just move on. It’s a been a strange year and much of it has left me feeling empty as I’m sure it has done to most. Side note, I’m stopping saying that every time I write a post, from now on I just write when I write, of course more than this hiatus but there we go.
By far the biggest thing that has crippled me this year as weird as it may sound. Is the closing of cinemas. My lack of cinema going experience this year has been suffocating. It may sound trivial to most but the magic or the power of cinema, however, you see it, does have a profound quality, at least on me. I’m catching myself in this moment perhaps getting a bit too review-esque of the year…thats coming soon. I’m looking forward to sitting down to write that, cause what a year a to think about in the grand scheme of things.
But lets narrow our focus here to what I want to talk about in this present. In the vein of Springsteen’s recent record I almost wanted to go all ‘Letter to You’ with this post and really spill myself, thoughts, feelings, warts and all as some kind of self therapy. As you see, I have truly found myself hoodwinked into a pit of despair this year. I want to talk about walled gardens and thinking yourself to being in one place while in actual fact you have no idea where you are. What does this even mean? It means that state of mind, time and place are converged into one, you are in a place, at least you think you are. Take a look around at your life right now, think about it in relation to where you were at the start of the year. Unless your situation is matched to mine, that way of thinking is the place you are. You know it, crystal clear.
Now imagine if I were to pull a rug from under you, the walls and memories of the past year dissolve like Thanos just snapped his fingers. Where are you? Cause you sure as shit aint in Kansas anymore. You’re in another place entirely and every step of your journey to get here, what was that? Where have you been? You’ve moved from when you last fundamentally knew where you were to this new place and have no idea how you got there. Worse still – you have no clue of how to get back. Further, there is no way back. That path just does not exist, ever. Feeling angry, confused, like screaming at the world about how unfair it is, silently mumbling a question of why me…all natural reactions to this sensation.
The biggest cause of finding yourself winding up in Oz is that you were lied to. By yourself or another person, or both. You believed something which you now know to be false. That has serious ramifications on your psyche. You’d be justified in being bitter towards the world and all the deceptions it feeds you. But if you manage to catch yourself falling, there is hope. You can stop yourself becoming bitter. And you absolutely should. Life can be magical, you’ve just been led down the path through the haunted forest and you better bet your bottom dollar that its an absolute struggle to get to the other side. First and foremost is understanding that people will absolutely come into your life and unknowingly or not will seek to destroy you.
They’ll succeed if you’re still naive and hopeful to life and people. Jheez I sound very bitter right now don’t I? But its a fundamental learning curve, at least for me. I’m not saying by any stretch you should take anything I say as something to apply to your own thinking, we each have our own journeys and different characters come into them to shape our worlds. Mine has been made very dismal. I don’t want this to come across as a depressing posts or whining but part of me sits here thinking about the mental strain this year has put me on and where I am and I almost could curl up into the fetal position and hope for something to take me.
As per usual I’m not quite sure what the point of this post is but in true typical fashion I’ve rambled to the point I feel self conscious about it. I wish you all well, we are on a journey and time heals all wounds. Love without fear but be ready to be hurt, that is life and for all the good and bad you are living. At times and especially through this year everything feels empty and hollow, you may feel like me completely disconnected with yourself, lost as to what is going on as you go toe-to-toe with the dragon in your mind. Keep fighting.
Here’s hoping for a brighter tomorrow.