Take Me Back, Take Me Back

It almost feels like yesterday I was sat down writing about the year, the song Juice by Lizzo and my hopes for 2020 and the start of the new decade. Though I’d attribute this rapid passing of time, not to how much fun we’ve all been having but of course to the nature of the year 2020.

Going in we were all filed with high hopes and for me at least it felt like the start of a new era, I was at my most happiest I had been for a long time and felt a vigor for life in a way I had not felt before. 2020 was to be my year, I wanted to progress and gain some more achievements in my life after finally getting my driving test and a car sorted. I came into 2020 at 99mph on cloud nine, eager for what the future held for me. At first it all seemed to be peaches and cream, for me at least It seemed like things were finally going my way. That all my time reflecting, changing and growing in the cocoon on previous years it was now time for me to fly. I managed to get a girl I had been pining over for an entire year and things were looking up as I took a step towards my future.

But like a sledgehammer to my nether regions, the pain in store for me during 2020 came thick and fast. First of all the lockdown, intense, prolonged and full of complications. I would continue to do a sort of recap on the entire thing but I do not wish to relive this year even in my memories. The year continued to pile anvils on top of us all, you’d be forgiven for not noticing things you normally would going on in your life or your mental health being put under subtle strain. Which is what happened, I lost myself to this year and lost that relationship, I don’t blame the year but it certainly had a hand in all of that. Overall, 2020 has taken all the growth I went under and driven it into the ground, along with all hopes and aspirations I had at the start of the year. It feels like I took a step forward at the start of the year only to be sent back two steps. So the sort of theme around the close of this year is wishing to go back, back to where I was, back to normality, back before all of this, back to ‘November’. November as in the case of the song I listened to the most this year, Tyler The Creator’s November.

This song is of course not talking about the month of November itself, it’s talking of a time, a place, a person or whatever it might be – that we want back, we want to go back to. It’s a song of longing for say a time in your life that you recall fondly, it was your Shangri-la, it was the place you yearn for just before you drift off to sleep. Once again showing my top listened to track always seems to hit close to home without any thought or forced perspective. This is especially fitting this year when the future does not look bright and everything has been taken away, to yearn for the place, the person or the time in your life when you were at your greatest. My November is roughly this time last year, I was happy, healthy and eager for the new year and all the possibilities it had for me. Take me back.

As I do every year also. The Google Year In Search is something I look forward to, it always brings a certain kind of clarity over the year that has just transpired. Always with a tinge of the most crucial of human emotions, hope. What this reminds me of is just how divided this year has been, whether it be politically or literally. I feel like I might have said the same thing last year but that seems to be such a strong force in the last few years, division. Google highlights that this year the fundamental question we asked is why. Which I can feel echoed so strongly in my own experience of this year, why is this happening, why me, why do I feel like this, why is this not working, why does my relationship feel lost, why am I depressed, why is this not being dealt with, why, why, why, why why!

Its a question clearly everyone has been asking, because we are lost. We all wish this was never happening, we all wish for things to be easier and to be straight forward, we all wish to feel okay or to be happy or to be loved. But that doesn’t always happen. Life is a series of misfortunate events and while we all wish x, y and z was never happening to us. Gandalf reminded me during my yearly rewatch of The Lord of The Rings, “so do all who live to see such times. But it is not for them to decide, all we have to decide is; what to do with the time that is given to us”. It’s a beautiful quote and shows so much wealth of wisdom about the world from Tolkien. We all want an easy life, simple relationships and stress free living but that is simply not what happens, it is not for us to decide or control. We simply must live. Exactly how we wish to be with the time that is given to us. So carry that through with you into 2021, this virus will not go away with the dropping of the ball sadly. This time around there is no feeling of fresh start. So merely think about how you can best serve yourself, best apply yourself and best capture life with the time that is given to you.

That is by no means to suggest that there is no light at the end of this tunnel. I still have hope for life to return back to normal in the foreseeable future. Darkness exists so that the light seems brighter. Our struggles shape us for who we are supposed to be, collectively this will hopefully make us all more aware of the lonely or the home bound or whoever else this way of life is somewhat run of the mill. Perhaps we will come out more compassionate or even more full of energy for the social world, to come together when we can and embrace. I feel as though I need to do a lot fo rebuilding, of myself, my character, my feelings, my judgement, my dreams and fix some things I have long neglected. I step forward wishing for a better tomorrow.

I wish you all a very happy new year and prosperity for the future.

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