How do you tell yourself it is going to be okay? How do you tell yourself you will feel the sun on your skin once more? How do you tell yourself that you will reach that mountain top? How do we sit down with ourselves, bawling like babes at the suffering life throws our way?
It starts with a single step.
A step forward is the beginning. I have found myself stewing a pool of doubt, anxiety, self hatred and regret for some time now. You may have seen me previously mention longing for the person I used to be and getting back to that point. It’s been a struggle knowing that is gone from me. I believe part of my struggle has been coming to terms that I may never reach that high ever again. Why? Because the future is the unknown. I cannot go back to that person I’m just now realising. I have to start again, venture into the darkness and the chaos of life once more and rebuild a new image with all the experience from my past that I burden.
Of course I cannot kid myself that I will wake up tomorrow a new person, freshly birthed. Instead I give myself the greatest gift of all. Some encouragement without tyrannical judgement. It’s a difficult thing to look at yourself and speak encouragingly. Well it may not be for some but I spent the best part of three years learning to do it and have utterly forgot in the space of 9 months. So for me this journey begins tomorrow, I have tried and failed many times over the past month especially but also a little longer than that. To kickstart myself into change. It’s been a sludge, I have found myself practically wanting to strangle myself in my sleep and call myself every derogatory word I can muster. I’ve certainly given myself a hard time. Some of it I like to think of natural healing, sometimes we dig ourselves to rock bottom without realising what we are doing. I’ve put off a lot of things I wanted to start over January. I cannot even remember what I’ve been writing in earlier. So here I am preparing to make tomorrow the single step. Something I came across that sort of gave me a virtual hug of reassurance so to speak – was a fan edit to convey a message. It was of Thor’s character arch from the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Hear me out. I realise this is not exactly a deeply profound poetic movie. But I’m a firm believer of art in cinema of course and I do believe these movies were not entirely made with the sole purpose of helping you shovel popcorn in your mouth. There are some truly great stories told over the course of this anthology. Thor’s being amongst the most human strangely. A powerful ‘superhero’, a God no less. Brought to the depths of hell – figuratively. It’s a video that encapsulates that decent but also the glimmering light of hope for all those who are lost. All of us that have had our ‘arriving in wakanda’ sequence only to have found ourselves broken and yet, we can still be worthy if our hearts are still aimed in the right places. (Spoilers in the video)
Talking of single steps of journeys. President Joe Biden took his earlier this week. As he became the new President of the United States of America. It was a day filled with anxiety and hope itself. American begins a journey of recovery, like most political journeys these are seldom seen through to their ends but none the less I don’t think I could have imagined a more fitting President for where America is right now.
The state of turmoil and at least perceived division on a grand scale are nothing short of historic. The recent coup and the last four years of controversy after controversy alongside the repetitive embarrassment of the USA on the world stage. Has left the collective consciousness of the US wanting some good old fashioned Boy Scout Americana. Which in my humble opinion is exactly Joe Biden. Running race controversy aside, his image is like that of a security blanket for the Americans. He is not gonna build any walls of division, he is not gonna tweet out long rants about things he has seen on TV and he is certainly not going to be inciting any riots. He may drop in some embarrassing moments here and there, lets be honest. But I do believe he will be a good President, not a great one but good for what America needs right now. So here is to the new journeys we find ourselves on, focus on the single steps each day. I’ll see you at the mountain top.