I’ve started and restarted this particular entry a good many times, rewriting whole posts. I’m not even sure why. Normally by the time I’m finished writing one of these I’m so spent on the idea of caring about my own writing I throw it out. There’s just something about my own work that I just can’t stomach while at the same time I obsess over trying to get it correct or make it smart or interesting. I once told a friend that it was like wrestling with myself just to get anything written and sitting down to write was akin to entering a cage match. The posts that were written before this have been written about a few things happening of late, so allow me to briefly touch on each aspect.
First. Destruction of the highest order. Real scorched earth level of failure. This was a moment I found myself once again failing on the goals I had set, on the things I wanted to achieve. I felt like I was spiralling further into a rabbit hole. I wrote out a piece about mental health, my own struggles and what I had been hearing from others that was making me think the lockdown was creating an inflated crisis of gargantuan proportions. It was surprising to hear of people, some of which I would never consider to be people of mental battles fall prey to anxiety and mild depression. I wanted to talk about that but gave up on the piece as it became very personal. Too personal considering I was not myself at the time. My own anxiety was spiralling out of control and I was finding it difficult to cope with having never experienced something like this before. Finding tension headaches and feeling like I was on a fast track to something disastrous.
Second. Peace at last. I was no way near a rock bottom but things were looking dire that is for certain. I started with support from a friend, making real focus on ways to improve my situation. We found it, meditation! I mentioned I was going to give this a go a while back, but full disclosure I gave up pretty quickly as I found it far more difficult than you would even imagine before you try it. So how did I actually manage to get going with it. I learned from listening to some life gurus (I guess) talk about different things and one I important thing that jumped out at me was being easy on myself in general but also not expecting miracles from meditation.
After all I was only sitting there quiet, its wrong to go into this thing expecting to open your eyes to find yourself among the stars being reborn from the tears of angels into a pool of liquid gold. No instead what you should expect is that you will sit, you will think, you will even want to stop but most importantly is you will become more aware of the NOW. The fundamental way to start going with meditation is to simply let all thoughts happen, just relax. Im by no means into any deep waters with it yet but im not exaggerating when I say for whatever reason; I’m calmer, I’m free for the most part of the anxiety that sent me spiralling and the negative thoughts that occupied entire days. I feel more connected to right now and I especially more than anything feel like I think more clearly.
Lastly. While I found my peace, I was presented with some hurtful rumours to do with an ex relationship. I was reminded of the metaphorical snake in my garden that has taken many forms, the forms of a woman, the betrayal that has led to its form of anxiety/self doubt and the form of myself in all my negative glory. But instead of lashing out in defensive which likely would have led me back down a path of self defeat and reliving heartache and pain. I instead decided to make peace with the snake in my garden. I was going to write a letter of sorts, expressing some opinions and thoughts about her and what transpired but again this got rather personal so I cut it. I think there’s a lot to be said for simply making peace with the possesses of your pain, or at least those you believe do. As what you will find is that your pain is of your own making, a drama you play out inside yourself and you’re every character.
I thought about making peace in person. But lets just say I’m still very much human and the anger stops me being a full on buddhist monk type aha. But I’m human in my capacity for distain but also forgiveness. I move forward and she and that part of my life is over. I hope the snake finds its happiness, of course another snake will come along into my garden of whatever form it might take. Life is never so safe and the safer you make it the more blindsided you will be by said snake. So instead focus on the here and now. Make peace in yourself and so you will find peace in your day. Then tomorrow we aim for the stars.
PS: I kinda feel like I lost making sense at the end here. I’m working on articulating my feelings better when I write. But I know If I don’t post this I likely won’t post again for a while. Stay safe friends.